http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php Drugs-forum, the international drugs community. Information about Drugs forum, shrooms, magic mushrooms, kratom, mescaline, salvia divinorum, ecstasy, magic mushrooms, lsd, ketamine, ethnobotanicals, herbal highs, research chemicals, amphetamine, meth, speed, drugs, cannabis, marijuana, hashish en Thu, 20 Nov 2008 22:02:44 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=488 Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:53:47 GMT well the title really says it all. got a nice little letter today explaining that i dont have what it takes to be part of the ASDA family. sure, i could blame the slow economic collapse in this... well the title really says it all.
got a nice little letter today explaining that i dont have what it takes to be part of the ASDA family. sure, i could blame the slow economic collapse in this country. or i could blame it on my criminal record. but no, i don't have anything to blame it on... fuck it eh. fuck asda too swim really doesnt like it./:thumbsdown: ]]> SuicidalSoldier http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=488 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=487 Wed, 19 Nov 2008 06:00:56 GMT ... to quote the words of a famous song by Nirvana.

SWIM's life is in the shitter again and it's all her own fault again. SWIM's heroin and crack-cocaine use has reached meteoric heights again (or maybe that should be depths cos there's nothing 'heavenly' about this addiction).

SWIM is using about eighty pounds worth of crack-cocaine every day (i'm talking about monetary value here, ok, not in weight!) and about sixty pounds worth of heroin also every day topped up with morphine tablets. She's on 100mgs of tramadol daily (no change there) too.

Nothing's working like it should though. The crack's not getting her as high as she would like to be. The heroin's not making her happy or comfortably 'numb' even ... the outside world still creeps into her thoughts and into her dreams at night.
SWIM takes the tramadol for depression, which she is practically floored by tonight, so its safe to say they're not doing their job either.

SWIM hasn't been into uni for two weeks.
SWIM doesn't want to go back and face people.

SWIM hasn't been outta her flat for two weeks.

SWIM hasn't eaten for three days.

Everytime SWIM goes to bed she wishes that she wouldn't wake up.

SWIM used to say that she didn't want to die she just wanted things to get better. SWIMs been telling herself that for 15 years. Nothing ever gets better, it only gets worse.

The best SWIM can wish for is for things to stay static: for nothing to change. But that's not what SWIM wants.

If this is life. If this is as good as it gets then SWIM doesn't want any part of it.

SWIM has had enough. ]]> beena http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=487 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=486 Tue, 18 Nov 2008 21:51:05 GMT 1.0 Introduction My monkey has noticed a remission of bipolar symptoms since beginning experimentation with salvia around two weeks ago. This blog will be a log of his observations to determine... 1.0 Introduction
My monkey has noticed a remission of bipolar symptoms since beginning experimentation with salvia around two weeks ago. This blog will be a log of his observations to determine whether the plant is responsible for this remission, contemplations on the potential reasons for such an effect, and general thoughts on the matter.

2.0 Case History.
Subject began showing symptoms at around the age of 16 with mood swings, grandiose thinking, and other typical bipolar trademarks. The disorder reached it's fruition when subject was 22 years old. He had a complete breakdown, which he does not remember very well. He came to believe that he was the devil and that he had come to earth to set mankind free from the shackles of the false God and to redeem Truth by a pure form of heresy. If this does not make sense, don't worry, it is typical irrational belief of a delusional manic episode.
After he had blown all of his money, ruined his credit/been kicked out of his bank, quite his job, and dropped out of school under the impression that such mundane matters were inconsequential, he crashed from the manic episode and fell to a depressive state in which he attempted to cut his wrists but was found by his roommates who made him contact his parents concerning the situation.
He moved back to his home town to live with his parents while trying to figure out a therapy and maintenance plan. During this time he was put on various combinations of psychotropic medications; mood stablizers, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and anti-convulsants. Some of these medications worked in curbing the symptoms but had numbing properties that subject found unacceptable, feeling that "if you feel nothing in life, you are not actually living".
After a while of keeping an eye on his moods and thoughts he started going to the community college and moved in with a girl whom he was engaged to marry.
Following a procedure during which he was taken off all meds for two weeks he again had a full blown mania fugue in which he came to have similar delusions of being a prophet or something and broke of his engagement, quite his job, etc, ultimately leading to him being back with his parents at the age of 27.
Since then he has continued use of only Valproic Acid to keep from going into full manic episodes but refuses use of anti-psychotics and other medications due to the horrible side effects and lack of helpfulness.
Over the past year he has been doing fairly well outwardly; he is about to graduate on the deans list, he has a job and he has a fair social life.
However the scene is not quite so well inwardly. He continues to be plagued by suicidal ideation, shows obsession with finding value and meaning in life, still frequently has irrational thoughts along the lines of being haunted by a demon, being a great spiritual revolutionary, and other mostly spiritual-centered delusions and grandiose thinking (common among bipolar sufferers) and shows avoidance of dealing with mundane matters such as figuring out what to do for a career, and what to do after moving out after graduation (his parents have let him stay with them while finishing up these last two semesters).

3.0 Enter Salvia Divinorum.
Subject has long held that psychedelic drugs have great potential to help people with psychological issues. For years he has been hoping to come across a local source for psilocybin mushrooms, as they helped him when he was in his late teens. Also cannabis had proven repeatedly to take him out of swings and irrational thought patterns. However subject no longer is "in the scene" and, living with his parents, smoking pot and growing mushrooms has not been a plausible option for him.
Following several months of recurrent suicidalism and feelings of extreme alienation and isolationism he decided to try salvia, not really knowing what to expect and not having much hope; thinking it would most likely at least provide an enjoyable diversion.
He purchased a gram of 10X extract from his local headshop and began experimenting with it. It proved to have effects very unexpected.

4.0 Initial results
He does not really enjoy salvia, finding the experience lacking in the spirituality and insight of mushrooms, as well as being rather jarring and unpleasant in general.
However, during the two weeks following the beginning of his experimentation with the herb, there was a drastic remission of bipolar symptoms mentioned above. He feels as though during the experience he is torn apart briefly and thrown back into his identity, viewing it more objectively, cleared to a large degree of the habitual mental patterns that exacerbate and instigate the mood swings and irrational thoughts.
His overall satisfaction with life has gone up, though he still faces the same general situation. He has shown an increased interest in his life, beginning to put together concrete plans for post-graduation life (moving, business ideas, etc).
Subject does not feel "high" but does not feel low and lacks the "numb" feeling that comes with more traditional pharmaceutical interventions.

5.0 Tentative explanation of results
It is thought that perhaps the effect of smoking salvia in aiding remission of subjects bipolar symptoms may be due to the temporary break-down of ego. As subject comes "back from salvia-land" and becomes aware of himself again, he feels much more objective, establishing basic things--"I'm this person, in this general life situation, etc".
Subject likens the principle to electro-shock therapy for extreme depression: the brain is sort of rebooted. The mental-emotional clutter accrued by habitual perception and thinking are to some degree wiped clean.

6.0 Conclusion
Thus far he has smoked Salvia perhaps 5 or 6 times. He never looks forward to smoking it and personally finds it's recreational use to be next to nihil though the experience is very interesting in terms of metaphysical acrobatics. But he will continue to test for continuing correlation between remission of symptoms and use of the substance.

We'll keep any interested parties posted on the progress. ]]> Heretic.Ape. http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=486 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=484 Sat, 15 Nov 2008 01:37:31 GMT @ savingJenniB : age is a state of mind. *wink* *hint* *wink* hehe ill add more photos once i get our cameras working with the comp. my phone takes shit pics(vodafone 716) and ive broke my... @ savingJenniB : age is a state of mind. *wink* *hint* *wink* hehe

ill add more photos once i get our cameras working with the comp. my phone takes shit pics(vodafone 716) and ive broke my mmc>usb card(one of the gold strips broke off, cheap ebay shit)
but uhhh yeah...swim got a few 30mg DHC on top of the 14 DHC Continus M/R (modified release, in other words, chew) cept all the continus are gone, but he got another 40 5mg diazepam(yellows) half of which are gone lol. but the doc seems to think that 2x5mg 5x/day [50mg/day] is enuff for him. he disagrees but if he were on two 120mg DHC continus a day too he'd be able to stay away from smack. he swears that after he chewed up 3x 120mg tabs (the slow release once, hence thev chewing) and swallowed 2x 120mg slow release form(no chewing) and he swears it was stronger than IV'ng the strongest heroin he's ever had and he didnt sleep at all just "nodded" all night rolling joints over the space of two hours and watching freeview. then the next day he was sick as a dog. didnt spew because of heavy intake of water and domperidone(he gets 90 a fortnight on prescription courtesy of the NHS)
and im sure you folks who aren't narcs can tell by the way hes having me type that SWIM is pretty high, got himself a G of medium quality brown.
shouldv posted this in a blog.... in fact i freakin am gonna!

-- i think i just did. i posted this in my profiler visitor chat and SWIM is fucked up (read above) and forced me to 'cheat' a blog entry with it :cool:
going to Glasgow tomorrow. hopefully will go well.:thumbsup:
only creative part of this blog for the point of the blog is the title. one word. and I CLAIM FULL CREDIT FOR IT & ITS MEANING!!!!

[©2008/9 simokane@gmail.com]


-- ]]> SuicidalSoldier http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=484 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=483 Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:05:17 GMT As SWIM was looking around a minute ago he realized that on Friday he will have been a member here for a year. Now, he is not usually big on anniversaries or celebrations, but this place has really... As SWIM was looking around a minute ago he realized that on Friday he will have been a member here for a year. Now, he is not usually big on anniversaries or celebrations, but this place has really helped him out many times. The community, the information, the knowledge, the safe back drop, everything from top to bottom about this forum screams help and discovery.

From SWIM's many first tries with different substances over the past year he has found helpful information here that put him at ease and helped him out. He has learned so much, and is now even more into discovering these beloved substances, but now he looks at them from a different point of view, a more respectful (not that he ever looked at them in a disrespectful manner) way.

Don't underestimate the wealth of information and help here.:vibes: ]]> Metomni http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=483 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=482 Tue, 11 Nov 2008 21:33:46 GMT I live in a country that hold as one of it's most fundemental tenants that all people shall be able to practice religion as they see fit, without fear of persecution. Yet in this country there is one religious tradition that has been considered wholly exempt from this protection. The followers of this religion are made criminals, facing prosecution, the seizure of their lands and property and their very liberty.
These are followers of what is arguably the longest standing practice of spirituality; universal and ancient beyond estimate.
The use of psychoactive substances to catalyze communion with the divine is the most widespread and time honored traditions, found in every land across every time.
How can a country deem itself home to freedom of religion when each and every plant given to us by the earth is outlawed, it's adherants deemed outside the protection of their homeland, and open to religious persecution beyond any seen on this soil?
The earth gives us her bounty everywhere that we may eat and gain direct gnosis.
In the rainy lands she gave us mushrooms, growing in our own back yards--yet if we pluck her bounty we are criminals. In the harsh desert she gave us the cacti, demonized and allowed only a few based on ethnicity, which they fought for. South of us she gives the death vines and diviners sage. This last is our last remaining gift that has not been completely taken from us by the inquisition. But even now it is on it's way into the fires.
We need a movement demanding our freedom to commune with the divine be given back to us. To end the hypocrisy that all forms of communing with the spirit are valid and equal EXCEPT THIS ONE. ]]> Heretic.Ape. http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=482 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=481 Mon, 10 Nov 2008 15:20:35 GMT so my friend is now planning on (or actually already working on) summarising all the relevant studies and articles on iboga and compiling a pdf since he found it hard to gather all importan... so
my friend is now planning on (or actually already working on) summarising all the relevant studies and articles on iboga and compiling a pdf since he found it hard to gather all importan information at one spot.

will be posted here, sooner or later, hope it s not gonna be too big since its already around 220 pages long.

however, if somebody has some pdfs, articles, links or studies relating to iboga/ibogaine/initiation/treatment would be nice to let me know ;) ]]> outriderx http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=481 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=480 Sun, 09 Nov 2008 18:03:55 GMT SWIM has been working at the "titty bar" now since last Thursday making that 10 days now. SWIMs first night went well as there was another Scottish girl starting that night too and SWIM did not have to pay her fee as it was her first night and she had never stripped or danced before. She made £60. :)The fee is £50 week nights and £75 weekends (fri & sat) we have to pay to the manageress 1 hour before closing time.
As SWIYs all know SWIM is a H addict so it has been a pain in the arse having to use cover up make up to hide track marks. As she also struggles to find veins she has been going outside for a smoke in the car instead. This has been dodgy as hell for SWIM as the city centre is full of CCTV, police going past and revellers going clubbing etc..
The 2nd night was not good. Most of the dancers are Eastern European and the were all looking at SWIM and bitching in foreign accents "high" fiving etc. SWIM had not had any dances so far by about 11:30 and she was getting worried was upset by the bitches so ended up having a massive crying hysterical fit in the toilet and went home. (They all pounce on the men as soon as they walk in the door where as SWIM is not like that. SWIM prefers to let man come in sit with drink talk to him flirt and ask if he would like to "come upstairs for some fun")
Of course SWIM still had to pay her money for working so went in and gave back basically every penny of what she had earned the night before. :(
Saturday was ok she made her money (£75) and had £20 to herself. SWIM has bought a g of cocaine that day so was very coked up but found this did not enhance her personality infact did the opposite and SWIM kept crashing and having to go and sort herself out in the car.
Sunday morning SWIM was travelling over to buy methadone and was going through the traffic lights when a transit van turning right in front of her did not give way to her and she drove into it at around 35mph. The air bag came out and saved SWIMs face but she banged her knee quite badly.
This was in a main junction in the city so police were on the scene quickly SWIMs car engine was on fire. SWIM had not had a fix yet that morning and was very strung out so was shaking and hysterically crying with shock. SWIMs methadone friend came in a taxi to see SWIM and handed her the 100mls of methadone. SWIM downed it in a 1er
The week before SWIM had been out working at her other job as a home carer and got in about 11:30 pm. The house was in darkness and there was a note from SWIMs bf to say he was leaving to go and stay at his mum's to get clean.
SWIM phoned bf to tell him about accident and he said "PHONE YOU LATER" SWIM couldn't believe her ears thank god methadone guy was there. Unfortunately he is an alcoholic:s SWIM and guy went and scored 2 bags of H each and drank bottle of cider on the bus. Went to SWIMs flat and hit up the bag. So that was 100mls meth, shot 0.2g H, and bottle of cider - o yea and 6 2mg diazepam tablets. Woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon with a slap in the face by ex bf. He said he had came over SWIM had stripped off naked and was lying on bed sleeping making that snoring noise that people make when they are ODing. He then said he had to go. Methadone guy was gone too.
SWIM did not want to be alone in flat so got glammed up and went to work. :eek: SWIM does not remember much about night, if she made money or what, but walked home from town. Sat down to have a smoke got home to find keys were missing. SWIM was so exhusted she had to call a taxi to take her back to where she was sitting. (keys were there thank jesus).
Next day SWIM woke up and left knee was twice the size of the other one. Pain all over body which she must not have felt becuase of all the methadone the day before and the shock.
Anyhow SWIM took Monday & Tuesday night off. Went back on Wed only managed to make £30 which she had to give to club so got nothing plus walking home again. Same next night.
Fri was the best night. There is a guy who likes SWIM as a friend and likes his cocaine. He came in and SWIM made £150 that night. (Don't forget £75 goes to the club). Last night SWIM made £100 (£75 to the club).
So we will see what happens tonight. Tonight is fantasy night and SWIM has national dress. Tartan G-string and coller with black straps very kniky. This is what she wore on Friday so she's going to see if it does the job tonight.
One problem SWIM has her period - what is SWIM to do. Won't it be obvious to see a tampon? oh fuck SWIM dosn't want to gross out the customers
SWIM has a brand new hire car now until her car has been valued and is managing to find the occasional vein. :)
SWIM will post more intimate details soon. Its just that so much has been going on its been hard for SWIM to catch her breath. SWIM is going to stick the job out for just now as even though she's not making much money she likes dressing up and enjoys the dancing. SWIM is very flexible.;) Also all that Eastern European girls will go home at xmas so there will be much £££££'s to be made then hopefully.
Be back to blether soon, now SWIYs all know why SWIMs been so quiet of late. Thanks for the concern love all SWIYs xxxx ]]> msmogadon http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=480 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=479 Sun, 09 Nov 2008 10:16:52 GMT :p Swim spent all night staring at the wall, j/k. No, more like surfing the net and random things. Talking to cute strangers with no inhibition...writing...blahdehabl. Swim was sooo happy, partially... :p Swim spent all night staring at the wall, j/k. No, more like surfing the net and random things. Talking to cute strangers with no inhibition...writing...blahdehabl. Swim was sooo happy, partially because of the energy drink, partially the curing depression, partially growing up...but not sleeping is a drag sometimes. Just took a xanax, just one, for the ...blahness. One thing swim notices is that while beer sucks, wine tastes nasty, but champagne at least makes swim sleepy!! Swim is thinking about not going to swims cousins wedding. This SWIM THING is rediculous. Swim is worried someone may have stolen swims dads credit identity, had this sudden bad feeling and woke up hearing "What they did was COMPLETELY ILLEGAL" other than that, it's this horrible overwhelming feeling of boredom and human-hatred that's killing SWIM. No one laughs or enjoys life as much as swim, which makes swim the opposite of happier. ]]> seeingred http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=479 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=478 Sun, 09 Nov 2008 04:11:14 GMT SWIM was put in a position today to get a sterile syringe and some decent gear.
he gave in to the temptation, i mean he hadnt been TOTALLY clean for the 6 weeks but he'd only had 2/3 lines. he just had a bag. IV. tells me it feels so good and now all he wants to do is spend all night up feelin good and then score another tomorrow. he had been on a path of abstinence, but maybe with the help of these prescription pills he's on(listed elsewhere...benzo, tricyclic and anti-psychotic.) he will be able to keep it a 'casual' thing...and try and only get good decent gear for IV. he'll always go sterile. never share. swim dont even do that bleach and boil shit he use a pin 1-5 times b4 puttin it in the sin bin. dependin on how sharp it stays, but....
SWIM cant help but feel bad. his family, friends all thought he ws gettin better the prescribed way. but maybe SWIM can use heroin IV casually as an aid to the mood swings and problems dealing with emotion. i mean, its the cuts of the powder that fuck up your physical body(veins, heart, etc) is it not? dia/diacetylmorphine is safe other than overdose and addiction. so long as its sterile. correct?
SWIM just felt that way like opening up ,,, ,,, ,,, and this feels so right for SWIM. so long as he keep away the junkie reputation his life should stay in track.
must be tired my eyes are tryn to force themselves shut ... keep losing focus too(optically) must be the quetiapine. i hate that shit. forced sleep. better with a good workout all night but no ima sleep tonight then i think SWIM will get up b4 noon to get money that hes due. sort out cash to score. swim keeps tellin me he wants to get a 20sack but gonna complain about the size of the one he got tonight(or last nbyte rather...damn its early)...def not 100mg. or even a FAIR quantity, you know?
hes gonna try it, just medicinally along with his prescription, just to see if a small (half bag) hit can help with the anxiety and paranoia. please no lectures, send your vibes his way but rmember...it is relatively safe till you airbubble your vein or get bad cuts. but this stuff cookd to a yellow-brown-ish liquid with no residue...so that crystallizing shit is gone.
do you think its possible that used safely and responsibly and not going overboard,

ps. a tip on an in-conspicuous spot to pin rather than SWISS scarring his arms. leg? not the penis. he tore about an inch down his fucking foreskin when fucking this chick after a heavy drink/uppers binge.

AT LEAST,SWISS DOES THINK HE COULD USE A BAG A DAY ALONG WITH THE 5OMG DIAZEPAM(HOPIN TO GET PUT UP TO NITRAZEPAM(SWISS'S FAVE, HE LOVES TO SNORT 2.5MG UP LEFT NOSTRIL THEN 2.5MG UP THE RIGHT ONE-AFTER-THE-OTHER)

BUT ANYWAY.

* CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
* SAFETY TIPS
* OPINION ON A 'CASUAL' OR 'MEDICINAL' USAGE

WOULD ALL BE APPRECIATED greatly.
thanks forv all your help, in advance. plus i think the time difference is helpin me be there with members from difrent time zones(evn tho its a .co.uk.)

oh, and btw, does anyone like SWISS's drugs-forum.co.uk liability contract on my blog/profile page?
would admin accept a written contract signed by SWISS so that SWISS could stop calling himself SWISS and call himself B***Y? ill post it anywhere it needs to go and it'll be a foolproof contract(im good at puttin em together so theres no loopholes on either side, administration PM with details of how SWISS could go around doing things THAT way please admins*:thumbsup:*:thumbsup:*:thumbsup:*

peace

SWISS a.k.a Billy ]]> SuicidalSoldier http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=478 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=477 Sat, 08 Nov 2008 23:27:16 GMT Her pain was always there,
but no one seemed to care.
Her thoughts were always torn,
even before they'd really formed.
Lost,
Like tears in the rain,
nobody heard her fall.
Because no one cared at all. ]]> cuddlesthefox http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=477 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=476 Sat, 08 Nov 2008 23:19:02 GMT Swim has just found out how to put you tube stuff o his homepage, a miracle in itself considering he is extremely opiated out of his mind most nights or on Valium and Xanax on the others. Anyhow,... Swim has just found out how to put you tube stuff o his homepage, a miracle in itself considering he is extremely opiated out of his mind most nights or on Valium and Xanax on the others.
Anyhow, swim decided to change his music videos to coincide with his mood/whim.
Swim really hopes you enjoy his choices.
Be aware that the levels of coolness may alter drastically as swims tastes are very eclectic indeed.
Swim really loves the DF now.
Good Evening. ]]> cuddlesthefox http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=476 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=475 Sat, 08 Nov 2008 11:26:29 GMT well.. i still woke up alone. still feel worthless. still feel unattractive. still wish i hadnt fucked up my past relationships, however i done it. and yet, i feel at peace at the moment over it.... well.. i still woke up alone.
still feel worthless.
still feel unattractive.
still wish i hadnt fucked up my past relationships, however i done it.
and yet, i feel at peace at the moment over it.
maybe thats because SWIM took 1 5k1(temazepam-10mg) and a cupple 5mg yellow diazepam that he's scripted. now hes doing the weights and working out til he can get a hold of a certain person who owes him 20 bucks towards SWIM's owed money. but its okay, swim assures me his guy is cool with bein payed whenever cause he knows he always pays up. but SWIM is paranoid that this guy is dodgin his 20.

other than that thanks to all the good vibes sent my way yesterday when i felt so low. maybe the doctors have finally found the right combo(cept swim wants higher doses of his script diazepam[50mg/day jus now] cause tolerance and stuff. bein put upto nitrazepam would also be his 1st choice.

good vibes of the universes' energy sent out to you all :thumbsup: ]]> SuicidalSoldier http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=475 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=474 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 10:33:30 GMT GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I have been tired....although the zoloft is helping me a lot, I feel like I am losing some passion that I used to have. Passion for dreaming, dreaming of the future...but... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
I have been tired....although the zoloft is helping me a lot, I feel like I am losing some passion that I used to have. Passion for dreaming, dreaming of the future...but that was even before I started taking zoloft.
I have been taking xanax this evening. So I slept well, now it's five thirty and I'm not tired one wink. I feel good too. I wonder if xanax mixed with alcohol is a good thing...it seems so. I took my ritual wine and xanax combo, and it seemed to make me feel good. Despite the hiccup spasms. haha, I shouldn't smoke. I can't smoke. It makes me stink like tar and ash, my fingers smells, my teeth turn yellow probably too. I'll get wrinkles at nineteen.

So I am moving to California!!! Woohoo. OH. Woops. I need to mail them my transcripts.
But I feel like i've already been accepted...I hope so. Please Please accept me.

I'm thinking about Hollywood, to go to school.
It might be fun. I think it willl be. I wish I was in college though because I am missing out in all the fun. What do I do? I get up, get dressed...and nothing...nothing happens.

I'm a strange girl.

Well, I actually took a roadtrip to California awhile back with a cousin. We went to Halloween Horror Nights in Universal Studios. FUN!! Although I got a little freaked out by the guys with chainsaws chasing us. ]]> seeingred http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=474 http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=473 Fri, 07 Nov 2008 09:51:43 GMT waking up alone. no job. no money. but more importantly, no significant other. i mean, whod want to be with an insane 18 year old fuckup whos fading away faster and faster each day. never meet any... waking up alone.
no job. no money. but more importantly, no significant other. i mean, whod want to be with an insane 18 year old fuckup whos fading away faster and faster each day.
never meet any new girls.
never have the courage to just approach.
seein no light at the end of the tunnel.
noose tied and hanging.
can i kick the chair?
kick my family & friends.
kick my country and government.
kick my meaning(ANARCHY) ?

yes, yes i can.

:vibes: ]]> SuicidalSoldier http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/blog.php?b=473