Wasting my life taking methamphetamine

[Carbine]

I've been on and off of speed for a couple of years now. I had so much I wanted to do, so many dreams and stupidly thought this drug could help me get there.

Now I sit here and realise i have nothing. I'm well and truly back to square one. I feel like an old woman, and I'm only 23. I no longer have the energy or the willpower to pick myself up and start again.

I'm so scared, frightened and alone. WTF am i going to do??? Every second of consciousness so unbearable :(

[whitespider]

Try and understand why you are here, forget your world of
drugs and pain and loss. Let it all go. Do not cut your wrists in lost hope and
dreams. Make new dreams, and do so by changing everything around you. Because
your reality is only limited by your money, and you obviously paid for speed.



Find a boyfriend/girlfriend/friend but do not find a fuckbuddy.Sex is so
fucking overrated compared to the infinite variety of things that circumvent
it, all relevant, all possible - or - all impossible.



Square one is only a word you use, if you have made little progress, then
perhaps any square above "one" was only a mental illusion of grander.
You are you, square one does not exist. Just improve, even if no one but you
sees or understands it. Everyone is completely different, and a lot of people
never know this.



I offer no real reasons, but don’t give up..... there SO much that has not been
discovered.




And im not talking about a new computer or a new mobile phone or a car
that teleports, or even a new planet or solar system with a new race of
unique alien beings. That is not what lies at the centre of this world.

[lolomgwtfbbq]

Have you tried going to NA meetings? There's a lot of people there who
know how you feel and the meetings seem kinda corny at first but
they're pretty helpful, especially for feeling better about yourself
and turning your life around.

[unico_walker]

Are you off speed right now? Then you will need at least a few months
to feel back at baseline so understand this will pass. You're 23 years
old! just repeat that! Do you realize how many people in this world
would willingly switch places with you? You can turn your entire life
around, you have time.

[Nicaine]

I've been on and off of speed for a couple of years now. I had so much I wanted to do, so many dreams and stupidly thought this drug could help me get there.

Now I sit here and realise i have nothing. I'm well and truly back to square one. I feel like an old woman, and I'm only 23. I no longer have the energy or the willpower to pick myself up and start again.

I'm so scared, frightened and alone. WTF am i going to do??? Every second of consciousness so unbearable :(
Hold on to this moment of painful self-honesty. Don't go back to comfortable self-deception, keep seeing over & over again where you are until it literally forces you to do something. The only way "out" is through.

If you decide to quit, write a lot more like the above. When you're jonesing & tempted as hell to get some, read what you wrote instead. Don't forget the good times (they really were good, don't lie to yourself about it), but make special efforts to remember the bad times. They really were hell on earth, don't lie there either.

Consider at least trying a couple N.A. meetings in a few different areas nearby -- they work for some people. If they suck, or even make things worse (can happen sometimes cuz you think about drugs the whole time you're there), don't force yourself.

Hope this helps a little...Edited by: Nicaine

[Earl Grey]

I'm 23 myself, I abusedvarious substances for 5 years,been clean for the past 4 months, and now back to square one also. Iruined my career and my brilliant plans for the future, wasted most of myyouth,sent my hopes and illusions down the drain.It has been awfully painful and humilliating to realize my life, up until this point has been a failure. It's been frustrating to look back at all thetime I wasted, all the opportunities I missed out on, all the good things Imessed up.


I could go on and on about how miserable I used to be andam not anymore, butI'll just tell youthe way Ifelt4 months ago, what I did about it and how I feel now.


Four months ago I was convinced my mess of a life was beyond repair, there was no hope for me, and I stayed alive only because I failed to die. Fear of dying, not will to live,kept me on my feet, living a life that made no sense, served no purpose and made me miserable. What I did: I went to AA and NA meetings, but I took it seriously from the start. I went away totake AA/NA's 4th and 5th steps. I came back a new person, my life a clean slate. I got rid of my past, of that life that I'd ruined. Now, I no longercrave drugs, I've found that life is actually enjoyable, mymemories no longer hurt me, I'm never lonely, and I've been cured of most of my fears. I am happy. I'd never been happy before.


Now, I'vestopped torturing myselfover everythe wrong decision, no longer do I suffer over painful recollections. I know it wasn't pretty, but it happened, it just did, I can't change it, period. Life starts from this day forward. Now I also know that there is a reason why I had such a messed up life, why I ruined my career, why all these things happened to me. Now I see that everything I had to live through, as painful and fucked up as it was, was worth it, because it led me to where I am now. And where I am now, even if it is square one, is way better than anyplace I ever was before.


I know it's hard to believe that there is a way, that there is an answer, that you're not alone. I know the "but you're only 23 yrs old!" argument doesn't quite suffice when, regardless of your age, you're tired of living. All I can offer you as evidence that there is hope for a happy, useful life is my own story, and if that helps you or anybody else in any way, that's one more reason why my fucked up life was worth living.

[miffy]

Sorry to jump in to the thread with an irrelevant question – but what are NA’s 4th and 5th steps?



I’ve tried NA, very briefly, and couldn’t get past the God stuff, and
the ‘group-hug’ sorta vibe. I’m interested that you apparently managed
to pick out of it a couple of bits that worked for you, and wonder what
they were?

[Earl Grey]

The Steps:


4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.


5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.


I used to have a problem with the God stuff as well, but if you look closely at the program, they tell you that it is enough if you're willing to believe in some sort of higher power that's bigger than me, you and everybody. You can call it god, electricity, supreme universal being, cosmic order... whatever; you sort of define your own concept of god, your own higher power. Most people in AA and NA are actually atheists or agnostics (I was), some of themjust choose to believe in AA, becausethe concept of god bothers them. They just ask you tobe open-minded, willing to believe that there is something orsomeonemore powerful than you that can help you out, say an opposing force tothat other more powerful than you-thing that had you using drugs and not being able to quit, no matter how hard to tried or how much trouble you got into.


4th and 5th steps, if people do them in other countries like they do in mine (and I have reason to believe they do), have no group-hug vibe to them. The fourth step is about doing some serious, no-bullshit introspection; it's a long, merciless look in the mirror. It's about examining one's entire life in detail, finding out where things went wrong, what happened to you so that you became who you are now and whatyou, in turn,have done. It is a very painful process. Through the preparation meetings, many memories that one would rather forget and others that had been forgottenbegin to surface. Then one makes a detailed inventory of one's life, acknowledging all the grudges that one holds, all that went wrong in the sexual, material, social and emotional aspects.I can't get into much detail as to how things get done,because I really don't know if it's the same in all countries and, if it is, I wouldn't want to ruin the movie for you.


Read the Twelve Steps.

[Yassy]

.

I too had a problem with the God stuff,,its just a reference to something bigger that yourself,,like say "Mother Nature"(i used that one) theres definatly 'something' out there i dont believe in religion ,,and as for the group hugs,,they come in real handy when your feeling like a piece of poo and theres someone there just to hold you and tell you it'll be alright,,i'm 4 yrs clean and although i dont go to meetings any more i would highly suggest them because there is no one there who hasnt faced addiction,,you are NOT alone,,dont be put off by others "clean time" i lost everyone i know because of my habit(heroin) then i met a whole new network of friends who i love dearly(as opposed to my so-called smack friends)


i do hope you seek help,, i never want to feel how you do ever again as its so dispairing and i feel very sad for you right nowhttp://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley19.gif


Good luck and dont forget the hugs are real and unconditional love is the besthttp://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley1.gif


take care


yassyEdited by: Yassy

[miffy]

Thanks for the info.



I find it hard -much of the time - to believe in any type of higher
power, or anything bigger than myself - but I guess that's just
pessimism. I do like the concept of an opposing force tothat
other 'more powerful than you-thing that had you using drugs and not
being able to quit' - that's worth thinking about.



I think the 12 steps are probably the same in the UK - at least, what
you mentioned sounds familiar. I'll have a look at them - I've been
toying for a while about trying to find a group in my area.



Cheers!

[lolomgwtfbbq]

Yeah, a lot of people use GOD to stand for "good orderly direction" or
something, you can use anything as your higher power -- nature, fate,
science, love, health, a good future. Whatever you think put the moon
there.



I think most people there don't actually believe in "God" in a
religious sense or anything, it's just the view that there's something
out there bigger than you [even if we don't really know what it is]
that can help you through this.



If you don't believe in a higher power, think of it this way. When you were out there using, I'm sure there were many </span>times
when you said things to yourself like "oh god i hope this guy doesn't
rip me off and run off with my money" or "god, this better be some good
shit." Well, who were you addressing then? Even if it was some general
nothingness, that general nothingness is your higher power. I don't
really know if that's true for everyone but somebody said that bit to
me when I said I didn't have a higher power & it really made me
re-consider.

[xpr´k]

The feelings you are feeling are purely the results of your brainchemistry being altered by your addiction . Luckely your still young and chances are big you'll recover completely and do it rather quickly.


For now i would advise to go talk to a dr and psychiatrist , talking about it + medication can help alot with the depression + anxiety.

[BrugmansiaBrujo]

Assuming you are off the speed, and are going to stay off it, there may
be some things you can do to help get your brain serotonin levels back
up to normal. Having normal serotonin levels in the brain will help you
feel better, and brighten your mood.



Do a little Googling and read up on these supplements and herbs, that you might be able to take to help out:



5-HTP

Rhodiola Rosea

Ginko Biloba

Ginseng



Also if you are experiencing a bit of depression, but don't like the
idea of turning to yet another drug to deal with that, take a look at
using the herb sceletium torturosum. Sceletium powder taken in
gelcaps orally makes a good all day mood brightener. Sceletium is
also available in pharmaceutical form, in 50mg tablets.



And of course there is excercise, lots of it; and drinking plenty of
plain old water. That will also make you feel both physically and
mentally better.



If you are not yet into eating lots of foods with chilli peppers in
them, that might be also something to try. The capsacin in chillies
causes your brain to release endorphins, natural opiate-like chemical
your body can make; endorphins make you feel good. Excercise also
releases endorphins.


Edited by: BrugmansiaBrujo