View Full Version : Partner addict, I need help to stay
Hi there. For about the last year I have been constantly lied to, decieved and blamed for my partners addiction to H. Today, I went into the kitchen and found his cook gear. He has gone away for about a week, so he says. I exspect him back probably 2morrow hanging out, with all the excuses in the world. How long do I put up with this?. I love him and know that he is a better person when not using. But feel I can't go on with the lies and deceit any more. How can you lie to the one you love? I understand addiction but don't get how when it effects everything and you have to lie and steal, you still carry on. I am doing my PhD on 'needle fixation', yet are feeling totally useless, to help him. How long do I put up with the getting clean and going back. time and time again. Do I walk away, saying fuck you. Or do I compromise myself to be supportive. Please give me some ideas as to what to do, cause at the end of the day I love him and dont know what to do.
paulywould
20-04-2005, 22:35
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It seems to me at this point all you're doing is being the "enabler". The nature of addiction is to lie, cheat and steal, if need be, to get the drug, and as addicts, we do it more to the ones we love because they put up with it more. He's not going to quit until he wants to. You can't tell him to quit, you have to help him realize that he wants to, if he does. Good luck.
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Did you know when you got involved about his
habit? Or did he pick it up later on?
I think any relationship requires trust and
that unfortunatly is often the first victim of
addiction.
Maybe just the fact you are askin those questions is answer enough. You
need to decide if you want spend your life with an addict. If not then
eithier he needs to stop once and for all or you need to leave him. I
also agree with paulywould you sound like you r enabling his habit.
Maybe losing you might make him clean up for good.
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Thanks guys. For one he came home five days earlier than he was supposed to and has been in bed ever since. He swears the stuff I found was'nt his. Its got to the stage where his words mean nothing and his behaviour speaks volumes. In reply to uglfy, when I met him he said that he had used before but only recreationally, on his birthday and on Christmas day. I don't know what to do.
Pinkavvy
21-04-2005, 08:58
two options .... require that he submits to 30 days of inpatient ... or leave him.
as an ex junkie I know those are the only two options.
Actions do speak louder than words. Since you did know about him
using before it is entirely possible he only got hooked later on and
didnt start the relationship based on a lie. Now these are some big ifs
but here we go. If you can trust him again in spite of all the past
lies, if you can forgive him for the hurt he must have caused you, if
he can stay</span> clean and if you
really are committed to making it work then stay. You say you love him
and hes better person clean. If you cant say for sure that all that
will happen though i think it best to move on.
God bless and good luck
Hi there. For about the last year I have been constantly lied to,
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley5.gif
I understand addiction</span>
but don't get how when it effects everything and you have to lie and
steal, you still carry on. I am doing my PhD on 'needle fixation'</span>, yet are feeling totally useless, .
What do u mean "needle fixation"</span> ???
PHD?? http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley5.gif I seriously dont understand what ur going on about http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley5.gif
YOU obviously DONT understand addiction in any way......
so
either get rid of the guy....
or
TRY to learn more about it!!!!
Thanks again. Good advise uglfy. To special K. I understand addiction as I have my own addictions. I am up front about them. I do not lie and hide what I do. Needle fixation is a issuse that from my experience is a real problem (for some anyway). It is when the individual can give up or withdrawal from their drug of choice but so miss the feeling of the rush that iv gives them. They will then do anything to experience the needle. See my post on 'needle fixation'. I have had mates that can go a good three days clean from h, yet will jump out of my window and shoot water or alcohol or anything for that feeling. There is no emperical research on this. In my country, the government sweeps the issuse under the mat and put them on the methadone programme and say that the addict is fixed and is now a worthwhile person in society. Commiting no more crime ect. From my experience this is not always the case. SpecialK you sound pretty pissed off with the way I worded my post. Im sorry to offend you and correctly I may not understand opiate addiction as that is one that I have not experienced. But in my defense a doctor does not have to meet the criteria of bi polar or schizophrenia to be able to try and help those individuals that personally do have the illness. A PHd is approximately three years of research into an area of interest that will hopefully contribute to understanding better that particular issuse. Anyway, thank you for sharing your opinon. Take care. I need to go away and think seriously about where I am going with my partner.
Im glad i was able to be of some help. This needle fixation sounds like what an old friend of mine would say. He was into the feel;ing ofcontrol it gave him. He would pull bloodback into needle then re inject it a few times before takin out the spike.
Why do you think people do this? I wonder if it isnt a bit like a sexual fetish, the pain/pleasure thing. Any thoughts on that?
motorhead
22-04-2005, 01:41
Hey special k whats your problem. Larak started a thread here asking people for advice and there opinions on addiction in reference to an obviously difficult personal situation, and she explained herself clearly and politely. Just because you have difficulty understanding something do you always react so rudely? THis is a forum where people give and share ideas and ask for help, there was no need for such a rude and curt reply.
And larak i made a post on your needle fixation thread and at the time i had no idea about your spouses addiction. Ive been addicted to shit myself in the past but never been with someone who was. I can only add that like the others that have replied so far with usefull information that ,yes, either he gets clean or you have to move on. Both roads will be hard, but like most roads in life they usually are. Good luck.
Hi again. Uglfy, there is some research that was done back in the 70s on an addict that would inject, draw back, inject ect to he orgasmed. So there is some evidence that there is a sexual component to the needle. However, that is like the one and only study on the issuse. Additionally, others have stated that at first they were scared to administered to themselves and had a mate do it. Eventually moving on to self administration, giving them a feeling of control. So control and sexual experience have been expressed. Pleasure/pain principles are possibly involved or entwined in these two experiences. Anyway, I should really be posting this on the 'needle fixation' tread. Conversely, my partner has expressed that he is lucky as he has no such fixation. He admits that he actually hates the whole fit experience and jabs himself quite violently. However, he has an adversity to blood and needles. Motorhead, thank you for your support. I never mentioned my partners addiction on that thread because at that stage he was two weeks clean and I thought that this time he really meant it. He has since told me that in the last month and a half that he has used twice only. He can't explain why, only that he is working on it. Is it a cop out when he says 'i'm a drug addict and thats why I do it'?. I don't know, but thank you all for your advice, keep it coming.
dillydude
22-04-2005, 04:43
Hello , i just lost a whle posting for your topic I'll try this again.
Anyway I can somewhat identify with what you're going through, from the other side of this subject, the addicted point of view. Well let me say that I have been lying to my wife about my addiction for the last 4 years. She only started catching on about a year or so ago. She had found some needles here and there, but i would lie about them, say they were someone elses or shit like that. She had seen me sick (withdraw) on more then one occasion too.
But in retrospect from experience, the active addict will lie or halftruth they're wayout of whatever they're can. In the end of my active using she might have turned a blind eye, or lied to herself about me.
She did tell me, that she was not as much in love with me as she used to be. That was the final straw for me . It made me realize all the shit I was putting her and my kids through, bills ,sick,happy for a few days, then the same cycle all over again repeatedly.
I made the chioce, on my own to go to detox and started the road to recovery. It hasnt all been roses so far i had a couple of relapses. Now I and my wife have started going to Narcotics Anonymous together it does definately helps, just tonight I've gotten a sponser from the program. With the support she is now giving me, and the help of the program it is working. There's definately less preoccupation with drugs period, and a cleaner brighter future lies ahead for me.
So to get to the point of the topic, don't force him to make a choice . But rather get some more info on active addiction, the symptoms, and or signs of using. Kindly confront him with his lies and signs, let him know how much he's hurting you, and if your losing any love for him. Ask him if he cares , and what he wants.
For the most , it sounds like you both might need some help or counciling if you want to go through that.
Good luck to you both , " Live in the dark, and the world is threatning "
motorhead
i bow my head in shame
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif
think u need to lay of the drugs, chill the F* out and stop taking life so dam seriously http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley19.gif
Edited by: special K
motorhead
i bow my head in shame
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif
think u need to lay of the drugs, chill the F* out and stop taking life so dam seriously http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley19.gif
I have a better idea for you than "chill the F* out" why dont you shut the F* up!
If you want to run your mouth and piss people off go somewhere else to
do it. This happens to be a serious conversation between adults. Grow
up.
ow so harsh!
if ur such an adult why u getting so bothered with someones opinion?
You are so right. Why should i pay attention to you, your not worth my time.
BTW learn to spell
motorhead
22-04-2005, 23:08
K man theres all kinds forums and threads here for sarcasm and humor but this isnt one of them. That was a pretty poor attempt at humor in any context if thats what your tryin to say now. And i take life as less seriously as possible, but larak here probably doesnt at the moment, get my drift? Anyway thats all im gonna say, this isnt a flaming contest thread.
Hi all. Dillydude, thank you for expressing the other point of view. Your honest approach with your wife must be reinstilling her trust in you. Can you explain how that makes you feel?. Does it give you more confidence in your ability to stay clean?. Motorhead and uglfy, don't play into specialk's attempts for attention. It is a symptom of his/hers addiction. Maybe it is how he/she deals with it, by putting down others and blaming them for their so-called lack of understanding of their own addiction. From my experience, it is a common symptom, as it is easier to blame others than to take anactive role in dealing with the addiction. But thank you both for your support. I seem to have reached astalemate with my partner. He now only has one last excuse that is valid before he goes and finds full time work. I do understand that working full time does not stop someone from using. However, because he has'nt worked for the past year or so, I will try and give him the benefit of actively doing something to change. Time will tell. He read all your replies last night and was quite blown away by them. He says I'm not an enabler, but like I expressed earlier words mean nothing. Thanks again. I will keep you enformed of his progress or lack of. Cheers dudes.
Umemployment can contribute to depression and feeling generally worthless. Both of which can trigger drug use, however not having a job is not a very good excuse eithier. Also if he goes the inpatient route of detox it might easier to simply wait till he gets out.
On the other hand gettina decent job and helping out will boost self esteem. Which he must be kinda low on.
K man theres all kinds forums and threads here for
sarcasm and humor but this isnt one of them. That was a pretty poor
attempt at humor in any context if thats what your tryin to say now.
And i take life as less seriously as possible, but larak here probably
doesnt at the moment, get my drift? Anyway thats all im gonna say, this
isnt a flaming contest thread.
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley5.gif
err exuse me MR moanyhead!
when was i ever trying 2 be funny?
in fact
after reading ur signature i seriously thought,
DAMMIT </span>i could never be as smart and quick witted as this guy
Edited by: special K
Micklemouse
25-04-2005, 16:59
Err, excuse me but could everybody please shut the fuck up with the trolling, please? This will not be tolerated - it's rude, destructive and makes the board look like it's populated by a bunch of spoilt 12 year olds.
Special K, instead of making snap judgements, pat comments and being generally obnoxious, try sharing some of your experiences, tell us what you know of addiction before trashing someone elses experiences, especially someone who is obviously worried about a person she loves. If you don't understand something, ask what it means rather than taking it as an attack and starting a flame war, thus hijacking a serious thread about a serious problem. Do you treat your friends in the 'real' world like this? How would you feel if someone reacted to one of your problems in such a manner? Either show some respect or say nothing at all.
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley22.gif Ok i realise my first comment was
taken alot more harsher than i attended and im sorry about that. I
apologise to the thread starter for the way my opinion came across (i
could of said it alot nicer) but i still stand by what i said and am
not apologising for that.
For anyones information (who actually cares) i DID know what a PHD was
but was trying to say, i cant believe there is a subject called "needle fixation"</span>
I cant believe someone who studies this subject so extensively can say
they understand addiction but they dont understand the lying,stealing
and how addiction effects the addicts life?
well sorry, in my eyes they dont really understand addiction at all.
Micklemouse http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley8.gif... You talk about me being rude,destructive,obnoxious...
but isnt telling someone to "shut the fuck up" </span>kinda along those lines.
So ur a moderator...good 4 you http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley32.gif
I cant see how your post is in any way setting a good example.
Id rather you ban me, then be spoken to like that by YOU or anyone!!!
So
Goodbye guys ....its been emotional http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley18.gif
Edited by: special K
Hi all. Sorry I havn't posted for awile. Lots and lots has been going on. I could type an essay. Firstly, I found a double sharp and of course thought the worse. But I had let another addict stay with me cause I truely thought he was doing it. He was going to Na and seemed really illgitimate and positive. Yet, when I found the needle I of couse blamed my partner. I have since been told that what I found was not my partners (yeah right). All his mates stick up for him, I don't know if they are true or covering his ass cause it dosn't matter to them. Anyway, I had another flatmate who is a meth addict and I was trying to help him reduce also. Last Wednesday at 10.30 pm there was a loud what I thought was a domestic in the street and ignored it. It went on for awile and I turned down the tv and heard over a loud speaker "would the occupants of .......... street comeout with their hands up". Out we went to be meet by at least 30 armed defenders with guns and spot lights in my face. They were looking for my other flatmate in regards to a murder. He wasn't here and hasn't been here for at least a month. To cut a long story short, my partner ended up being charged for possession, cultivation and supply of green. He is now looking at a long sentence and to be honest in a way I am slightly pleased because he won't share needles and in prisons here thats what you have to do. I feel a bit selfish because I know that I couldn't help anymore and maybe doing time will make him realise just what he has put us through. The green wasn't his but was inhis possession and because he has a history involved aroung this then he is definately looking at time. My other flatmate evaded the police for a week and handed himself in last Wednesday. I am pleased because he definately needed help, to take a gun and shot somebody is pretty heavy. But that is a P addiction. Anyway, I am good and understanding that I can't save the world and need to stop letting addicts take advantage of my good nature. But, I still at the end of the day don't judge a person by their addiction but rather by their nature. Admittedly, they lie and decieve me but underneath that I still see the good in them. I feel that I am not wrong or bad for being taken for a ride, but rather I feel that without people like me there is no hope for the addict that already hates themselves. I am blown away by other flatmate though, I would have never believed that he would do what it appears he has done. Uglyfy, you are fantastic and I will email you personally when I work out how. I live in NZ and most people don't even know this country exists. But I can assure you all that our wee country is as bad as it gets per population. Anyway, please reply to my posting even though I don't really know what I am asking a reply to. Just to get this off my cheast is great. Thanks for listening. L
motorhead
09-05-2005, 01:46
Hey larak, i was wondering where u were. Wow thats quite story u got there. How much time is your boyfriend looking at? Is it his first drug offense?Im not familiar with New Zeland laws at all. Sorry just curious. As for sharing needles in the joint i hope he doesnt, and convince him not to if you can. Hell need to hear your voice on that one cuz the voice of addiction will be loud and clear, especially after a little while in the slammer. Good luck and stay in touch.
Hi motorhead. He was up about 3 months ago on cultivation and got community work with a warning from the judge that if he ever appeared in court again on any drug related charges he would be looking at a sentence. Before that he had 2 minor possession charges. But I think this time he will be looking at maybe 4 years which means here that he will do half if hes good. Again, we get back to the issuse of what is the truth. Like I have mentioned before I don't believe much he says. I can only hope that he will use the time to change a few major issuses in his life that need changing. My other flatmate is still held in remand and I havn't spoken to him about his possible involvement in the murder. The prison rang today to see if I wanted him to be able to ring me. I said yes (of course), again I see the good in the person and not the deed that they do that is wrong. To me now, I am feeling really sad for the one on remand because I say his addiction to 'p' really get out of his control and I was powerless to help him. He had the paranorias, voices, delusions ect. Yet, one thing I can say about the difference between a meth head and an opiate dependent person, is the opiate dep is aware of what in their life is causing all the trouble. Whereas, the meth add denies it totally and blames everyone else as having a problem, not them. Anyway, I will keep you all in touch of what is going on. Take care all. Lara
Well nevermind for now their troubles. I think that you
should start thinkin about what your gonna do. It looks
like youve surrounded yourself with trouble. Intentionally or not, you
do realize that the police could just as easily charged you as an
acessory if they wanted to be real assholes right? I know that here it
doesnt really matter whos it was whoevers pad it is gets nailed for
having the drugs in it.
larak what are you gonna do if two or four years from now he is
out and truth all along was he never stopped even in prison? Just
something to consider.