brooklyn718
11-02-2005, 23:29
Like most teenagers, I had problems in my head, insecurities, preasures, anxieties, etc.
I was heavily into pot. My tolerance was very high, I used to desire to reach early states of intoxication like many pot users. I did dissosociative amounts of DXM around this time. Probably 5 times.
First experiance with DXM I had no mental effects, only intense drunk feeling with geometric patterns and altered music.
Second experiance I went into a full blown disasociative state (same dosage) But felt more retarded than enlightened. Typical mindset of lets have fun drug.
Third experiance I was alone, had same effects.
Fourth experiance something happened, I was accustomed to th effects of the drug and became disalusioned from myself and saw my ego for the first time (did not realize what I experianced at the time was separation of ego) experiance was actually pleasurable at the time, probably because I was unaware of what I was really experiancing.
I stopped using DXM at that point,not for any reason just because I felt I had experianced it enough times to say "yea ive done that", I also saw it as something too hard for me to be doing anyways.
The day after my last DXM experiance, and first contact with my ego, (again I did not realise until years later I had interacted with my ego) I smoked my usual 3-4 bowls of pot, which was normal, I was getting the stuff for free at the time, it was coming out of my ass almost, my tolerance was up. I had to move some furnature but while I was doing this Something Happened Inside My Head which was to be the most terrifying and powerful personal experiance in my life. It shattered the experiance of losing my mother and some close freinds to early death. This was 100X more earth shattering. When my mother passes away it was not a moving experiance for me, and now I know why.
At 16 years old I experianced an intense and classical state of ego loss. It was so powerful I can only explain what I remember:I felt all of a sudden when I was speaking with the mover, an intense feeling of lonelyness, I told him I was feeling sick that morning and explained to him I will go to the bathroom and return in good health. At this point my high was non existant. I was now becoming enveloped in fear, and deep down what I saw as reality was not so anymore. Every joy and action and system I used before the experiance was no longer valid, I came to realize all this was useless, I also felt scared because I felt I had died,(not the paranoid I think im going to die feeling off high doses of pot) I really felt that there was a dark change, an intense change. This loss of whatever is was, at the time I didnt know what I lost was more earth shattering than when I lost my mother 2 years later, this experiance haunted me for so long that it remained more powerful than that experaince. During this time I was going through alot, I had intense anxiety and seemed to re-live my ego death each time I smoked, I ebgan to feel like something was incredibly wrong with me, and thought that I was weak, everyone else was enjoying the smoking experaicnes, I was dying, even when I wasnt smoking,(which I ended up giving up completely) I was dying inside. I thought something was incredibly wrong with me.
I had 3 other Ego death experiances at around 17 and 18 years old
I had done nutmeg, this time It was more clear to me, there was something speaking to me, telling me how to live, I was fighting it, and agreeing with it, I accepted it because I was tired of arguing with this voice, but afterwards, he toned down, he was not there anymore, it was at first frightening, but later turned into a state of bliss, not much is remembered afterward from this experiacne. The next day, my anxiety was completely gone, it took about 2 years, of going to psychologists and everything else, and this one drug experaince fixed me.
Next I had treid salvia witha freind. First time was a green being, speaking to me, i felt i was not on a drug but simply listined to him like it was normal. I did not have to see him, but I didnt have to see him to know he was there(i now belive it was my ego who was the green being) he kept telling me how smoke more, and to hold the salvia in longer, he was instructing me how to smoke. I was suddenly ina state of complete intoxication, i know this because i did not know i was on drugs at all. I stood up, stumbled around, and saw everything as jagged and infinate, the rows of palm treeswent on forever and had a mirror effect that cannot be desribed any other way. I was there, something was pushing me around, telling em what to do and think, I had no control. The green being appeared once again, but it ran away, I got a phone call and on the caller id it said RINGMASTER I answered it an all of a sudden (funny because my phone was not on me the entire experiance, that was a complete hallucination)I was on top of a cilander telling everyone in the tent what to do, I was not inside of a tent, I was in my current environment, but my perception of colors and shapes was so altered that it seemed like I was in a tent and I was controlling the green being, who I did not see, but felt his preasance. This was followed by intense laughter and deja vu, experiances happenening in cylces. This lasted 5-10 mins.
After that I felt in complete control I did not know why. I did not attribute it to the salvia because it didnt shatter my mind, it was too real and was not drug like at all. It was like a real experiance.
A few months ago, I found some pot, decided to smoke it, this was after I had "heard" about ego death but did not click in my mind I had experianced it. One hit put me into a full blown psychedelic state I was anxious, But this time I had died again. I knew my body was alive but I was dead. I got up ran outside, I felt I had lost my mother and best freind again, but I didnt lose them, I somehow lost something more importaint(as if there was anything more importaint) I had realized I lost my ego, and that I was finally of proper age (18-21) to experiance ego loss as an entrance to manhood, let me explain each time I had ego loss and became re-born it was forced upon me, I didnt try to envoke it or think about it. I had eventualy overcame my intense fear and anxiety, listening to Queen- Bohemian Rhaspody, I finaly understood the lyrics, I was now among a level of great and intelligent beings, I had understood a concept so true, so importaint, and understood by few. I felt I was accepted into the realm of great men and strong beings. I came down from the experiance, imediately felt re-born, I felt I was the person who I was brought to america (transcendance through ancestors) to become.
In my semi-psychedelic state 90 mins after I smoked this is what my new sense of self was:
Picture mountains under clear tangerine skies mist in the valleys, a man comes into your life, you meet him, he is wearing an A shirt with dress pants, nice italian shoes, and a silky white button down shirt, He shakes your hand and gives you gratitude at close and intimate range, on his chest is the scent of murder, in his eyes are the passions of a million men who did not live up to there potential. In his handshake there is a hint of fear, in his smile there is a connection of similarities of struggles between the two. You see the man you just met driving a ferarri through the palm trees and terrain in southern italy, again the mountains you think about seem to be stolen by him. He owns these images. You see him again, with a caring inviting greeting, again with the beutiful scent of murder on his body.
He is a real man. Those he has murdered are the forced thoughts into his mind. He murdered his ego, mutilated it. He is now born into no constraints, he is finaly at bliss.
any similar experiances???
I was heavily into pot. My tolerance was very high, I used to desire to reach early states of intoxication like many pot users. I did dissosociative amounts of DXM around this time. Probably 5 times.
First experiance with DXM I had no mental effects, only intense drunk feeling with geometric patterns and altered music.
Second experiance I went into a full blown disasociative state (same dosage) But felt more retarded than enlightened. Typical mindset of lets have fun drug.
Third experiance I was alone, had same effects.
Fourth experiance something happened, I was accustomed to th effects of the drug and became disalusioned from myself and saw my ego for the first time (did not realize what I experianced at the time was separation of ego) experiance was actually pleasurable at the time, probably because I was unaware of what I was really experiancing.
I stopped using DXM at that point,not for any reason just because I felt I had experianced it enough times to say "yea ive done that", I also saw it as something too hard for me to be doing anyways.
The day after my last DXM experiance, and first contact with my ego, (again I did not realise until years later I had interacted with my ego) I smoked my usual 3-4 bowls of pot, which was normal, I was getting the stuff for free at the time, it was coming out of my ass almost, my tolerance was up. I had to move some furnature but while I was doing this Something Happened Inside My Head which was to be the most terrifying and powerful personal experiance in my life. It shattered the experiance of losing my mother and some close freinds to early death. This was 100X more earth shattering. When my mother passes away it was not a moving experiance for me, and now I know why.
At 16 years old I experianced an intense and classical state of ego loss. It was so powerful I can only explain what I remember:I felt all of a sudden when I was speaking with the mover, an intense feeling of lonelyness, I told him I was feeling sick that morning and explained to him I will go to the bathroom and return in good health. At this point my high was non existant. I was now becoming enveloped in fear, and deep down what I saw as reality was not so anymore. Every joy and action and system I used before the experiance was no longer valid, I came to realize all this was useless, I also felt scared because I felt I had died,(not the paranoid I think im going to die feeling off high doses of pot) I really felt that there was a dark change, an intense change. This loss of whatever is was, at the time I didnt know what I lost was more earth shattering than when I lost my mother 2 years later, this experiance haunted me for so long that it remained more powerful than that experaince. During this time I was going through alot, I had intense anxiety and seemed to re-live my ego death each time I smoked, I ebgan to feel like something was incredibly wrong with me, and thought that I was weak, everyone else was enjoying the smoking experaicnes, I was dying, even when I wasnt smoking,(which I ended up giving up completely) I was dying inside. I thought something was incredibly wrong with me.
I had 3 other Ego death experiances at around 17 and 18 years old
I had done nutmeg, this time It was more clear to me, there was something speaking to me, telling me how to live, I was fighting it, and agreeing with it, I accepted it because I was tired of arguing with this voice, but afterwards, he toned down, he was not there anymore, it was at first frightening, but later turned into a state of bliss, not much is remembered afterward from this experiacne. The next day, my anxiety was completely gone, it took about 2 years, of going to psychologists and everything else, and this one drug experaince fixed me.
Next I had treid salvia witha freind. First time was a green being, speaking to me, i felt i was not on a drug but simply listined to him like it was normal. I did not have to see him, but I didnt have to see him to know he was there(i now belive it was my ego who was the green being) he kept telling me how smoke more, and to hold the salvia in longer, he was instructing me how to smoke. I was suddenly ina state of complete intoxication, i know this because i did not know i was on drugs at all. I stood up, stumbled around, and saw everything as jagged and infinate, the rows of palm treeswent on forever and had a mirror effect that cannot be desribed any other way. I was there, something was pushing me around, telling em what to do and think, I had no control. The green being appeared once again, but it ran away, I got a phone call and on the caller id it said RINGMASTER I answered it an all of a sudden (funny because my phone was not on me the entire experiance, that was a complete hallucination)I was on top of a cilander telling everyone in the tent what to do, I was not inside of a tent, I was in my current environment, but my perception of colors and shapes was so altered that it seemed like I was in a tent and I was controlling the green being, who I did not see, but felt his preasance. This was followed by intense laughter and deja vu, experiances happenening in cylces. This lasted 5-10 mins.
After that I felt in complete control I did not know why. I did not attribute it to the salvia because it didnt shatter my mind, it was too real and was not drug like at all. It was like a real experiance.
A few months ago, I found some pot, decided to smoke it, this was after I had "heard" about ego death but did not click in my mind I had experianced it. One hit put me into a full blown psychedelic state I was anxious, But this time I had died again. I knew my body was alive but I was dead. I got up ran outside, I felt I had lost my mother and best freind again, but I didnt lose them, I somehow lost something more importaint(as if there was anything more importaint) I had realized I lost my ego, and that I was finally of proper age (18-21) to experiance ego loss as an entrance to manhood, let me explain each time I had ego loss and became re-born it was forced upon me, I didnt try to envoke it or think about it. I had eventualy overcame my intense fear and anxiety, listening to Queen- Bohemian Rhaspody, I finaly understood the lyrics, I was now among a level of great and intelligent beings, I had understood a concept so true, so importaint, and understood by few. I felt I was accepted into the realm of great men and strong beings. I came down from the experiance, imediately felt re-born, I felt I was the person who I was brought to america (transcendance through ancestors) to become.
In my semi-psychedelic state 90 mins after I smoked this is what my new sense of self was:
Picture mountains under clear tangerine skies mist in the valleys, a man comes into your life, you meet him, he is wearing an A shirt with dress pants, nice italian shoes, and a silky white button down shirt, He shakes your hand and gives you gratitude at close and intimate range, on his chest is the scent of murder, in his eyes are the passions of a million men who did not live up to there potential. In his handshake there is a hint of fear, in his smile there is a connection of similarities of struggles between the two. You see the man you just met driving a ferarri through the palm trees and terrain in southern italy, again the mountains you think about seem to be stolen by him. He owns these images. You see him again, with a caring inviting greeting, again with the beutiful scent of murder on his body.
He is a real man. Those he has murdered are the forced thoughts into his mind. He murdered his ego, mutilated it. He is now born into no constraints, he is finaly at bliss.
any similar experiances???