View Full Version : Life and depression
hippie_lain
07-02-2005, 12:25
Hi everyone.. Hope life is going good for all of you. Just need some help. What do you do when depression gets bad. When you just dont even care if you die, wishing for a chance to go away forever and just be forgotten. When youve been depressed for so long you dont even feel like yourself anymore. Ive been depressed for so long but always try do put on a face for my friends and family.I never want to hurt anyone so I shove my down into the emptyness in my heart. My dad has cancer and I got kicked out of my house and feel like I failed him.I found out a half a year ago that 20(almost all of my friends) of my friends hated me. All they did was play mind games with me(shit that is so deep and fucked up that it left me..........well nothing) to give me anxiety, paranoia, self dout, fucked up my speech, and my lungs too. I knew some of these people sence jr.high. I guess i blacked out like 5timesand did some REALLY stupid shit that know one will tell me what. I think about it all the time. What could i have done that made so manypeople hate me.Sometimes i feel the only way to explain my life isthat i drank for a month and forget it all:repressed memories. If you think Im paranoid about this "game" Im not. Its so real but its doesnt exist and thats how they get you. Its pycosmatic warfare. I quit doing drugscause I thoughtthat was the reason then saw myfriends again after 3 monthsand then I knew they were fucking with me. Believe me or not I really dont care.
Well now Im a shadow of the person I used to be and my dad has mabye 2-5 years left(Im 18male)to live. I feel like Im a ghost ofwhat i used to be and thats the only way I survive. To wish i was to dead to cry and be that way around everyone. Too not live, to not be myself. Ive tried ssris and they made me suicidal(more anyways). Then I tried meds for bipolar mania and they just made me worse. Then I tried one for scitzo to get ride of the "game" and they made me have worse insomnia and made me feel crazy. I just want to know if anyone had people play mind games with them or has any advice. Just wanted someone to know the pain I deal with every day. Its like theirs two me's. The one that I really Im and then what everyone else thinks of myghost and the actions I did when I blacked out. Alcohol and bad friends arent a good combo. Sorry for the cry for helpbut I just needed to vent. Im trying to deal with years of holding ALL of my emotions and need advice on letting them out and betting depression. Heaven seems so far away
twintornado
07-02-2005, 13:06
Im sorry to hear about your dad, try and make the most of time together
don't let that you wasted your time with him now something which will
torment you later in life.
I possible find someone who you talk this through with, a trained
counsellor would be best someone with no other connections. They won't
have answers, sometimes it helps to talk.
On a practical side of things St Johns wort can help and if you have
trouble sleeping take some Valerian, doesnt give the dreams some
pharmaceuticals do. Also take some exercise it will take your mind off
the problems if only briefly and allow you to channel your energy into
something else.
i hope you start to feel more able
lolomgwtfbbq
07-02-2005, 19:08
I can't think of anything medical that can help, but as twintornado says, talking helps a lot of the time.
Maybe you could keep an online journal or become like e-mail pen pals
with somebody? I'm sure plenty of people on this site would be willing
to do that at least.
I'm sorry all of those things are happening to you & you sound like
a really nice person who doesn't deserve any of that so I really hope
things work themselves out soon.
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ToxicMind
08-02-2005, 13:32
When you just dont even care if you die, wishing for a chance to go away forever and just be forgotten. When youve been depressed for so long you dont even feel like yourself anymore.Ive been depressed for so long but always try do put on a face for my friends and family.I never want to hurt anyone so I shove my down into the emptyness in my heart.
I feel like Im a ghost ofwhat i used to be and thats the only way I survive. To wish i was to dead to cry and be that way around everyone. Too not live, to not be myself.
believe this or not i have felt those exact same ways. not for the same exact reasons, but believe me i know how depression feels, although i dont ever show it. i've also tried ssri's and agree they're bad news. my doc was going to try me on other meds (bipolar) also but i knew better than to try that after my experience w/ssri's and doing my own research on psych meds. the only thing i've found to help is drugs. yes i know that sounds sad, but if ican't be happy naturally i'll gladly settle for the happiness i get from drugs. i used to cry all the time, even for no reason. but i've barely cried at all this last year. whenever i feel like it i just rail up some coke and say fuck it. i'm not saying you should turn to drugs to help your depression, thats just what i ended up doing. i actually hope you don't have to use drugs to make you happy. i think the best thing to do is have someone you can talk to whenever you feel real low. talking things out can really help.but like you, i haven't kept any of the friends i grew up with because i learned they were not real friends. so i know sometimes there is no one to talk to, and if thats the case all i can say, and i know this is no immediate help or cure, is that time should heal your pain. if you can take a vacation, just to relax and clear your head. that also makes me feel better. but just remember your not alone, there's others out there who've had to live with depression also. i really hope things get better for you. i hate to hear someone being so depressed. i wish you all the best and just keep smiling, you never know when happiness might find you. http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley27.gif
Hey hippie_lain. On the one hand I'm sorry to hear what you're going
through. On the other hand, I'm glad you choose to let some steam out
by starting this thread.
I'm familiar with your experience, I've been in and out of depressions for quite a while now [bipolar].
About your so called friends. I had a similar situation where I had to
come to realize who my true friends where. I ended up with no more than
a handfull of people I consider my friends now a days.
A friend is not necesarilly one who tells you what you want to hear,
but one who tells you the truth when you need to hear it - even if it
hurts.
Excersice could certainly help you balance your serotonine levels, if
you complement with medication and good talk therapy [a doctor that
actually takes the time to hear you out, not just an overpriced dealer].
Don't try to run away from your feelings, but rather look deeper to find their origin.
What where the reasons you got kick out of your house? You should
meditate on making things right with your family [families usually have
a way of being more easy to forgive - because they love you].
If you feel like talking let me know - you can PM me for my email/messenger.
Take care. God bless.
I suffer from similar issues. Drugs help alleviate the day to day pain. But, one thing I have realized is this: If you are suffering enough anguish that you are feeling like a "ghost", it is only a matter of time before you try to become one.
For me, something inmy brain is refusing to allowme to appreciate the single most important gift we ALL recieve: Life. What we call the real world: relationships, material goods, work, taxes, etc...holds no real value when compared to the simple fact thatIam alive. I know that on an intellectual level, I just can't feel it on a regular basis.
When I do loose appreciation, the only way for me to get it back is expose myself to a sharp contrastbetween life and death. I approach the edge on a motorcycle. When I get that "ghost" feeling I hop on my bike and push it as fast as it can go (which is around 180mph :P). Being in the dividing line between life and death refreshes my perspective. I feel energized and purposeful for days afterward. I'm not suggesting this will work for anyone else. But what led me to this behavior was the lucid realization that if I am faced with the simple decision to end my own life, what would keep me from taking a few extra weeks to experience the things in life I've always feared? What would stop me from doing ANYTHING that previously scared me if death is my ultimate goal?
If you don't fear death...whats going to stop you from staring your father in the face as and telling him you are sorry for not being the person he had hoped you would be and telling him that you love him no matter how he feels about you?
As for your "friends"...I would move. Leave behind the people/places and things that remind you of your time of weakness. Start again. Life is all about starting over, again, and again, and again until it feels right for you.
Forget about all the other ideas people have placed in your head about WHO you should be. You need to get in touch with who youREALLY ARE.
One final thing: When it comes to WHO you surround yourself with...friends, lovers, etc.. Be VERY picky. Take your time. Listen to your instincts. Every time I have regretted letting someone into my life, I have thought back to when I first met them and realized my instincts told me they were bad news. I ignored my instincts simply because I wanted ANYONE in my life who would like me. I let all kinds of trash in. That trash contributed to the worst depressions I have ever experienced. BE PICKY! It's better to be alone then to allow self-destructive humans drag you down into their pit.
Take care andtake risks :), the clock is ticking.
Finally, a solution I think we all can appreciate:
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/uploads/Cleaver/2005-02-08_221738_untitled.jpg
When I do loose appreciation, the only way for me to get it back is
expose myself to a sharp contrastbetween life and death. I
approach the edge on a motorcycle. When I get that "ghost"
feeling I hop on my bike and push it as fast as it can go (which is
around 180mph :P). Being in the dividing line between life and
death refreshes my perspective. I feel energized and purposeful
for days afterward. I'm not suggesting this will work for anyone
else. But what led me to this behavior was the lucid realization
that if I am faced with the simple decision to end my own life, what
would keep me from taking a few extra weeks to experience the things in
life I've always feared? What would stop me from doing ANYTHING
that previously scared me if death is my ultimate goal?I like that line of thought. I do the same with my mountain bike going downhill, why be affraid? I got nothing to lose.
That line of though has helped me avoid suicidal thoughts too. If I'm
gonna die, why not rob a bank first? Or take my bike and ride into the
unknown to see how far I can get powered by my 2 legs. Sell everything
I own, give it away and go to a monastery. Take on a new career. Move
to a new town. Beat the shit out of each and everyone of your
"friends"[that way you'll know exactly</span> why they're pist at youhttp://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley2.gif]
Take radical measures.
Restart your life from scratch, in the end if you don't like it, you're
at the same point where you started. You can do it all over again.
It sure beats the crap out of death.
FrankenChrist
12-02-2005, 19:34
There's never an easy answer.
(but if there hypothetically were, and you'd ask me, I'd say a combination of counseling and an SSRI.)
And find something to keep your mind busy. Working out for instance.
Good luck.Edited by: FrankenChrist
i think what that what thse guys have said has to be the best advice ive heard combating depression. Sute beats " why you depressed at thisage or why aint you out partying" .
Its all about starting over and over and over and over again...each turn you start over think of the huge great things you learn and how you in each recovery you overcome the shadow.
I have foundthat the more i learn of what makes me depresed and how i can use the power of the mind to over come those bits of peaces ...then i have grown and shall remeber of how i got passed it.
You have to feeel the low to feel the high..though one should always feelhigh...you have to be in a state to be able to ride this through.
you brain will get you back to your place where you where..
bangsnatcher
13-02-2005, 06:59
Man if I were 18 again....BUT I'm 37 with 4 kids no wife a brain tumor like an orange AND...I don't give a F**K!!! Look here..It's not always gonna be possible to please your "friends" (At least you had twenty...I'm confirmed sociopath...= 0 friends). You should (my opinion) find something to connect to..use as an anchor so to speak. Let this help you focus your energies and give an outlet for them. It's no lie that the mind will get itself back on track. I found that for me physical labor and repetitive tasks helped me to focus and thereby function in everyday life. I don't think you are as screwed up as I, but if it worked for me it should for you.... Feeling like a ghost....hmmmm yeah , I do now so I better not advise but I will say SELF IMAGE. Get involved with something. It will make you feel like you are significant and you should!! How many kids your dad have? Any way.. You are his son and that MEANS something!! I think you are doing yourself a disservice by lending your friends that much influence over your happiness....FUCK 'em!!!! Enjoy your time with your pops..we all die a little each day so make it count. Make your time with him happy..he will thank you.
Iff this seems off topic , Ignore...I've got my issues too and I hope they didn't bleed through too badly!!
Bee well!
hey
bangsnatcher
that was a an interesting read you just posted there dude :0) very wise words ...I totally agree with the point that you made about how to combat the feelings of not being , the "ghost feeling"
When your depressedoneisin a sort of areplay loop dwelling over the facts over and over again..which is what i experienced when i was rock bottom after doing loads of E in my first year at Uni. I wasreclusive and couldnt think on the ball and i found i just kept sinking into my room and not interacting.
What i learned though is yes time does sure well heal!.
Keeping active is the best way to combat this! Escaping and dwelling on things, may help the short term but definalty not the best way to dealwith all your solutions
I think Depression takes away the drive. You have to force your self to be driven to find a solution. The lack of motivation can make you really despair and people hatting and you may like them and aslo start self hating. But you got to think your you and not them.Your are noble enough to even consider hating your self ..they who have not ...are the Real bastards!.
youve chosen the self critise yourself and that initself is some accievement.
So look on the positives andthink how many would not give their actions a thought any time of day .
Keep active.dont smoke,jog loads.clean your room, payu your debts and do your tasks...Let your life be free of t
woops forget to end the ending of that.
I wanted to say dont let others come into your life! Your life.Their leeding their own.So what if you spend hours in their company.you owe them nothing.
I hope you get well very soon and see it through.Im going sort of through a weird patch of ups anddowns but found comedy and good diet and oo yeah the no smoking thing and no boozing ( well weekendsare my weakpoints but i have cut down) sure will help you not cover anything up but let you ...be you!
Take care and Lots of PEACE FOR YOU AND LOVE THOSE AROUND YOU
hippie_lain
16-02-2005, 10:57
Thanks for the support guys. Ive takin alot of advise to heart. Snorting a fat line and saying fuck it does help toxix mind (lol). But on a seriousside side I have cut back on booze and cocaine and Im feeling a little better. Onlywhen i get really stressed out a brake down and buy some coke.My old friends are getting farther away from my mind.....its been so long and i miss the persons they usedso muchbut the pain is fading. Ive been going from just fine to how i felt months ago.Its so depressing that one old memorycan get me feeling so hopeless. Ive been working out and I think that helps alot. I just need to get my life started again but i have no enery and feel so far away from reality. Best of wishes to all of you....sigh....I need a girl thrid valintimesdayand no one to lean on
raavenhawk
17-02-2005, 17:42
Dude I feel for you man!!!!! Just yesterday I was going through a depression stage which had lasted about a week. I know it is no joke!!! And I understand. I have been on a lot of different anti-depresents over the past 15 years and the one that helped the best was wellbutren but I don't take it anymore so it don't help that much. Weed seems to help some but I can't smoke because of regular drug test I have to take.
Doctors sometime will prescribe speed for depression I have never been scribed speed but it my help. I know that Xanax helps me even though it is a kind of downer. If I do take them for depression I must be very carefull because I tend to go over board on them. I didn't have any when I was going through my depression if I had I would have taken some and I know that would have relieved my pain. If you do take Xanax BEWARE some people become addicted to them and another thing DO NOT DRINK BOOZE ON THEM.
Also if you can find some cool friends who have experenced or experence depression talk with them about it and that will help.
This is a non-drug technique I use to combat depression. I'm making no claims this will work for anyone else.
One of my problems is the insane feeling that I'm not going anywhere, not doing enugh, I'ma bad person.
So, one of my antidotes to those feelings is to keep an on going to-do list. Some of the things I have put on that list:
* Stop smoking cigarettes
* Loose 20 lbs of fat
* Get a better job
* Pay my taxes
* Make a grocery list
* Make a budget and follow it
* Get a girlfriend who doesn't abuse me
etc...
THEN, as I succeed in doing the items on the list, I check them off. After a year, I go over the list and all the items I've followed through on.
I gotta tell you, when you are feeling down about yourself and your ability to succeed in life, look at that freakin list and realize that you ARE doing everything you can. You ARE taking care of yourself and not screwing around. You ARE NOT a looser. Those feelings are great anti-depressants.
In a diary I have my to-do lists from about 15 years ago...looking over those items is hilarious. I thought they were SOOOO freaking impossible to obtain. Yet, I did them all. I feel like I can do anything.
Most people play mind games just because they can. See them for what they are- lame game players, they need a game, to jazz up their stupid lives.
But some of your friends may be unsure how to react to your depression, or dad's illness, or even fucking with you to cheer you up.
If they won't tell you did, it's probably cuz they're not sure themselves.
Hey, what you did- were you charged with breaking the law? No? Then don't worry about it.
They are probably wanting you to believe you did something terrible, when you probably did nothing unusual. Trust me, if it was that wild, parents or authorities would have been called.
To me, it sounds like my few friends and I would much prefer your company then your insensitive friends.
I'm going thru the same type of shit- you're not alone, brother.
-All the best and all my prayers for you and your father! If you're ever suicidal again, please p.m. a moderator, the administrator, or even me, people here care, and the world would suck if you weren't here. http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley18.gif That's what your friends need...
"my doc was going to try me on other meds (bipolar)......the only thing i've found to help is drugs. yes i know that sounds sad, but if i*can't be happy naturally i'll gladly settle for the happiness i get from drugs. i used to cry all the time, even for no reason. but i've barely cried at all this last year."
Oh, man. How I feel, yet out of a stranger's mouth. I'm not alone, I guess. It sounds so sad, when someone lese says it. In my life, I just accept it.
The light of my life are my pets. A small kitten, puppy, something cuddly, could really teach you how to love, and pets will give you true happiness. Mine aren't for sale for all the drugs in the world, all the money, fast cars, and famous friends... Their little faces are enough to warm me.
If you are depressed and could handle the responsinilty of a little pet, it could change your life forever.
Cuz your pets will love you!!! http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley9.gif http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley32.gif http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley17.gif http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley1.gif
(I'm very serious)
Getting wasted and self medicating are usually not good ways to deal with deppression.
The ways manda and cleaver suggested are much more efficient.
By the way, you can also contact me if you're feeling suicidal.
It also helps to speak or write about it. so you're going the right way.
I'm gonna post a little something I wrote, is in spanish. But it's a
reflection of how I felt in my last depressive stage. And I guess it'll
just help me to trow it out here.
me siento frustrado.
en gran manera, no logro recordar cosas que hace poco estaba seguro de saber, cosas que sabia hacer sin mayor problema.
me siento atascado,
siento que no puedo, me siento incapaz. me siento triste, me siento
irresponsable, me siento deprimido me siento fracasado. me siento
acongojado, me siento vacio incapaz de salir adelante, incapaz de
echarme para atras, me siento arrepentido de haber elegido el camino
mas duro, me siento incapaz de dar la talla en la vida, me siento mal.
me siento incapaz de avanzar en mi vida sentimental, incapaz de
conseguir enamorarme y que me correspondan. me siento incapaz de
conseguir saborear el amor de una mujer. siento que todas me abandonan
en cuanto llegan a conocerme, que salen hullendo en cuando saben quien
soy, o se limitan a limitarme a simplemente una amistad superfcial y
pasajera. me siento incapaz de sentir el amor de una mujer en mis
labios. de sentirme amado en mi corazon de sentirme comprendido por
ella. de sentir que tengo un apoyo, alguien a quien recurrir cuando me
siento desesperado, cuando me siento como hoy. siento que para que una
mujer me permita amarla, debo besarla el primer dia que la conosco,
debo besarla sin conocerla, y que no vamos a llegar muy lejos de todas
formas. siento que si no le beso ese primer dia, estoy condenado a no
hacerlo nunca. me siento terriblemente ansioso, obsesionado por dejar
de estar solo, terriblemente necesitado, envuelto en una paradoja a la
que llamo vida. Estoy tan necesitado que mi ansiedad evita que llegue a
enamorarme, y estoy tan solo que me siento ansioso y necesitado.
triste, vacio. siento ganas de dejar todo tirado. de dejar todo a la
deriba y echarme a nadar lejos de todo lo que hasta hoy me ha dado
seguridad. echarme a nadar lejos de toda esa rutina que me ha ido
agotando lentamente, que ha ido acabando con cada emocion que solia
sentir.
pero siento que eso tampoco me ayudaria, puesto que tarde o temprano,
el escape de la rutina se convierte en rutina, y esa seria una rutina
mucho mas dificil de romper, siento que estaria huyendo el resto de mi
vida, y eso me da miedo, eso me produce frustracion e ira. siento que
tengo que enfrentar esta rutina aunque no me siento capaz de hacerlo.
aunque me duele profundamente en el corazon el pensar que no puedo.
siento que tengo que redefinir mis metas, a metas mas acordes con mi
realidad, metas que me permitan concluir, aunque sea con metas mas
faciles; pero concluir etapas, dejar de dejar etapas a medias.
me frustra en gran manera pensar que despues de no dejar una sola clase
en años, ahora he dejado las ultimas 4 de 4 que he intentado. cosas que
antes nisiquiera me presentaban un reto, sino un simple procedimiento,
ahora me parecen imposibles, me parecen montañas inescalables. cañones
inflanquiables. me asusta, me aterroriza pensar que no es algo que
viene de hace pocos dias, sino de hace meses. me da miedo pensar que
simplemente perdi una chispa que habia en mi. que ahora soy incapaz de
recordar donde deje esa montaña de conocimiento en la cual solia
refugiarme, o que se desborono inevitablemente corroida por el olvido.
no recuerdo nisiquiera como realizar procedimientos terriblemente
simples. me siento frustrado. me siento incapaz.
me siento defraudado, por mi Dios y mi Señor. siento que he sido como
un caballo, el cual se hace correr manteniendole un bocado frente a su
boca, a su vista pero fuera de su alcance. siento que la promesa del
amor la cual me hizo El, no era mas que un espejismo, algo para
mantenerme callado. y eso me produce la mas profunda tristeza, como un
nino que se decepciona de su padre a quien siempre considero como lo
mas grande, al verle incapaz o indispuesto a cumplir lo prometido,
siento que Dios es como el padrastro que tuve en la tierra, el cual
atrasa las promesas y las sigue prometiendo a plazos mas largos con tal
de nunca cumplirlas. eso me produce un vacio profundo, me produce una
tristeza que me corroe el alma y el espiritu.
siento ganas de quedarme aqui encerrado el resto de mis dias de no
volver a salir, hasta el dia en que el mundo venga y arremetiendo
contra mi puerta me haga salir a una realidad corroida por el descuido.
siento que me he metido en una rutina para aislarme de la realidad,
siento que me he ido aislando poco a poco en mi rutina, hasta llegar
hoy a querer aislarme aun mas. me siento terriblemente solo,
abandonado, defraudado, dejado a la deriba para morir de sed en medio
de un mar. desnudo, avergonzado, desprotegido, desamparado. siento
miedo de fracasar, prefiero no intentar antes que intentar, pues se que
voy a perder, se que no lo voy a lograr, y que me voy a sentir mas
frustrado por haberlo intentado.
porque padre? me has dejado caer de esta manera? por que mi senor?
siento que mi fe se desvanece, que todo lo que he creido ciertisimo
era falacia, que todo lo que he estimado muy precioso no ha sido mas que
barro.
siento una espina en mi corazon. que entra por mi boca, deciende por mi garganta
y se clava en el centro de mi pecho.
siento pero no entiendo.siento que mi vida es como una vieja maquina
que aparenta funcionar, siempre y cuando no se examine de cerca, pues
esta a punto de caerse a pedazos, y aunque lo se no puedo hacer nada al
respecto, mas que esperar a que acontezca lo inevitable. Una maquina
que funciona bien siempre que no se le pida hacer las cosas que mas
necesariamente debe hacer. Siempre que no se le pida hacer nada que se
de relevancia, pero que se cae a pedazos ante la posibilidad de hacer
algo para evitar su propia catastrofe. siento que no puedo hablar esto
con nadie. siento que no puedo confiar esto a nadie, puesto que no se
en quien quiero confiar, pues siento que todos me traicionan de una u
otra forma, conciente o inconcientemente. y sin embargo, si tuviese la
oportunidad lo compartiria con una completa extraña que no me quiso
besar y que no ha tenido la gentileza de diriguirme la palabra desde
que repentinamente se evaporo de frente a mis ojos. y por algun motivo
extraño es con ella que quisiera compartirlo, aunque talvez no con
ella, sino con cualquier otra que quisiera oirlo, aunque siento que si
de alguna manera pudiera se lo diria al oido, palabra por palabra, en
susurros con lagrimas procurando que me recuerde, procurando que ella
llegue a amarme. pues no se si ella es Ella. o si tan solo es otra
ella, puesto que solo quiero conocerla a Ella, enamorarme y ser
correspondido, por una vez. pero ahora ante la imposibilidad de
conquistarla, o de dejarme conquistar por Ella en este mismo dia, me
quiero poner en huelga, quiero mandar todo a la mierda y largarme de
esta vida. de esta rutina que me produce tanta ira. dejarlo todo atras
e irme a donde caiga, intoxicar mis neuronas de tal forma que no vuelva
a saber sobre esta realidad, y sin importar que tan desecho este mi
cuerpo mi mente ya nop esta, ser tan egoista que ni el propio cuerpo me
llegue a importar, con tal de que adentro de mi mente, en un mundo
inexistente, encuentre algo que asemeje la felicidad.
Xctico,
To transend fear is to transend doubt. I have learned how to BEGIN to accept fear into my life, not as the boogeyman but as a companion. Noisy at times, painful at others...it's really me. How can I ignore me? By listening and not allowing the fear to swallow me whole, I begin to take control.
Depression, for me, is all about loss of control. Doubting my ability to control my fears and consequently control my life, is when I find myself in the grip of depression.
Your thoughts on depression: IMHO, it CANNOT be overstated how important, empowering, and healing the unconditional love of another being can be. Lacking that kind of love from someone other than yourself, is painful.
What I find ironic is this...the ONLY time I have ever felt true love is when I accepted it. I accepted it from a woman who has "real" bi-polar...full blown manic schizophrenic episodes. I saw her inner beauty when I met her and accepter her with all her flaws. She, in turn, accepted me with the same grace. I don't believe in a universal god. But, after meeting her, I do believe in a universal beauty.
Today, her episodes are under control with meds. She now has CONTROL. The meds empowered her to control herself. Without those meds, she would be lost to me. So, I do not underestimate/undervalue the power of modern anti-psychotic drugs. No one should at this point.
Anyway, I'm babbling. Point is this...the REAL ingredients for hapiness are not taught in school, on the news, in the media, and typically not by anyone in your family (unfortunately). BUT, hapiness IS achievable and IS within everyones grasp. You simply have to reach out for it by believing in it. Then, you have to allow it into your life when is comes to your call. Mythic cannons like the bible try to teach these simple concepts through analogies. The people who follow them are truly happier. But, in reality, you don't have to even believe in mythic beings to achieve the same goals. However you need to get there, GET THERE. Stop screwing around and simply reach for it.
P!MPJU!C3
19-02-2005, 14:00
Most people play mind games just because they can. See them for what they are- lame game players, they need a game, to jazz up their stupid lives.
I would not totally agree with that. Playing mind games is irritating 4 the person that cant keep up. But 4 people with a large capacity its a sorta game 2 play 2gether. Nothing is wrong with something challinging. Also mind games can be used 2 read people.
Sometimes people outrun me. I dont mind that. Uve got smart people and even smarter people and u gotta accept that(dumb is not a socially accepted term.)
Mind games r also 4 contact. U wanna know if someone is worth talking 2. If the person shares ur opinions and ur way of thinking. Say something stupid to see how that person reacts. 4 instance: Eating is gay. Or gay people arent 2 be trusted. Or gay people are fagets. Now when saying these things there r a number of reactions possible. Every reaction says exactly what kinda person ur dealing with.
Naturally uve got the egocentric, bragging mothafucker.
En fait, most r like that.
PIMPJU!C3
P!MPJU!C3
19-02-2005, 14:14
Hippie lane,
Im not depressed. Just enjoying life. Life is good. I cant imagine depression. Being down there.
All i can say is I feel 4 u. Im no expert but I think u need something to kling on 2. Some people have friends. Sounds like they r pricks. Some people have family. I dont know how good ur family ties r. Some people have drugs. Dont do that or ull end up in even more depressing situation. U cant depend on drugs do fix mistakes.
If I were u I would throw myself in 2 something u can enjoy. Do u like music? Play music, start a band. Do u like 2 work out? Camp outside of the gym. Get strong.
Like cleaver said. U have 2 do something that makes u feel good about urself. Do that. Because im guessin u cant really lean on the fundaments(friends and family) around u.
It seems 2 me u aint a depressed person. Depressed people gotta a menthal problem and they feel bad no matter what.
Seems things r just fucked up @ the moment. U need something to take ur mind off shit.
Good luck,
P!MPJU!C3
albydamned
19-02-2005, 15:25
I used to be prescribed liithium and that helped a lot but it made me
feel like there was a cloud over me i found that when my bi-polar
starts acting up it helps to get on my vespa and drive. getting out in
the air really helps.
hippie_lain
20-02-2005, 15:37
Pimpjuice yes mind games can be used for someusful things as you said. It also can be used as a way to completly ruin...destroy someones life. I didnt try to "keep up" i just though i was insane. I didnt ask for people to fuck with my head andopen my eyes to something that wasnt supposed to exist.If we are talking about a similar game it probly gets way deeper than you think. This shit that my friends did to me fucked up my life so bad its hard to explain. Listen to the new green day cd.....Im saint jimmy so its different than playing "together". Its a contest to see you could fuck with me the most, give me the most anxiety or twitch the most. Who could guess my actions and try to minipulate me the best. If you only try to read people and it stops there whatever. And you are dead wrong about the reactions from what you say. "Smarter" people(my IQ was 159) CAN NOT be read easily. I knew when people would try to read me and my anxiety would show them an answer that was based on my prereading them which means that there reaction is based on not what you said. If you really want to read someone look start into theirs eyes, the eyes dont lied body language voice and breathing patters dont mean shit if there on to you before you even know. I wish i would have trusted myself and maby it wouldn't be almost to late........I know everything about this game yet nothing at the same time cause I DONT CARE! Get out before it sucks you in alive and kicking. Not trying to be an ass pimp it just leads into some evil shit.
Manda i miss my catshttp://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley19.gif. Their at my parents house and the house i live in doesnt allow pets. I wish i could hang out with your friends. But Ive found some semi straight friends that are helping me outand have my back. Its good to know some people acually arnt evil sons of bitches. I think your right manda. These people just need somethong to spark up their lives cause they are dying inside =P
Best of luck to everyone and happy highs
P!MPJU!C3
20-02-2005, 16:51
Aaah...I really didnt want 2 go 2 deep in 2 the subject of mind games. I understand that some people get on power trips with these mind games. Its true, u can fuck up people so bad they dont know their front from their behind.
My point is that mind games aint always bad. Thats what i failed 2 get across in my post.
Its a game, and, like u said. u gotta trust urself. Be one step ahead. Otherwise they will get 2 ya. Reading people is easy. Making sure people dont read u is the difficult part.
Hey this reminds me.
Texas Holdem
short and simple: do this for one month (promise!) and get back 2 me. STOP all drugs. ALL of them. NO DRINKING. NO POT. be completely SOBER. Find some way of exercising. whatever is your thing, if u go to a gym, if u just need to jog, lift some 5 lb weights, or just do 100 situps a day. this gives you some feeling of accomplishment. something to do. dont give me the bs "oh smoking weed every other day is what actually makes me happy" just for an experiment, do it for me. be SOBER. DO SOMETHING. you dont NEED someone to be happy. what i would do is learn a musical instrument. or practice one you know. one your interested in. people with minds like me and you have are passionate musicians. save up some money. buy a guitar. musics not so hard. musichas powers. take the extra step to be beautiful. get yer eye brows waxed. buy cute clothes. wear a little make up. you are what u think u are. If you think u are beautiful, you will be. your mind controls physical things about you also. it is true, proven. You are fuckin sexy girl! fuck what people think. be happy because you know you are. seriously, u know this
hippie_lain
27-03-2005, 13:59
LOL..Im a guy(i can still be sexy right?http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif).Well thanks for all the support guys. Im not even depressed anymore(its just hinding now). I started working out and completly quit weed. I still miss my old friends but i refuse see them and let them ruin me again. Ive been doing alot of research on the defensed mechinisms of the mind. Too many will is very hard on the body and mind. Now I realize most of mineand try to deal with my fears/problems. As far as mind games...I just ty not to think about it and hope for good friends.
Hope the dark shawdow of depression has lifted from all of you all. Unforntanaly it has covered me once again. I thought I had found a female friend who I can relate to last week. She is a great person but has a monster crack monkey on her back. Need I say more? I still long for her wherever she may be tonight. I am almost homeless in a big city where I have no one to turn to. The place I stay is where I was robbed and beat up by three guys in the middle of the night. It is a dangerous place and I am trying to find my own apt. I currently got a job through a temp service at six bucks an hour. Well at least it is something. I will be 37 on the 13th of this month all alone no soul mate, kids, or even a dog!!!! Had a pretty rough life it has got to get better. Sometimes I wish I could go to the doc and have him put me to sleep forever it whould have to be better than what i am going through now. For now I just keep going through the motions of life. Lost and confused not knowing what is next. So i walk the streets looking for something I havent found.......YET, so if you say a prayer or do a line keep me in mind......
hippie_lain
08-04-2005, 12:24
hmmmmmmmm..."a MONSTER crackmonkey on her back"...you dont need to say more. I wish i could dream forever. I just find something to keep me busy now and my life got back on track.Edited by: hippie_lain